These articles have one purpose: to help you build your self esteem and confidence and take control of your life. I hope you benefit from them.

Gateway Five: Coming Home or Going Away, Finding Tribes in Which to Belong - Part two of two

By Dr. Barbara Becker Holstein

 

 

Case Vignette

 

Selma was brought down emotionally by a developmentally disabled young child and by her sound but somewhat difficult marriage which included difficult in-laws. She was feeling a bit discouraged and at times even clearly blue. Nothing in her current environment was really picking her up.

 

Unexpectedly, a girlfriend from her high school days got in touch with her and invited her to join a small group of friends who were going off on a four day woman's-only weekend in New England. When Selma initially approached her husband, he was negative, reminding her of all her household and child responsibilities.

 

This was exactly what she did not need to hear at the moment. She desperately needed some way to refresh herself in mind, body and spirit. She dug in her heels, made plans to have her child's care covered, and went off with the four women.

 

Joining this temporary group was extremely beneficial for her. She ended up laughing her way through New England, feeling a sense of connection to people who understood her background and the dreams and hopes she’d had as a teenager. They all shared their own marital dilemmas and were sympathetic to hers. There was even one woman in a somewhat similar situation, with an adolescent who was driving her crazy.

 

The time flew by, and she returned home feeling uplifted with laughter still tingling in her belly, good food and good times, even physically refreshed from a massage she’d had at the spa. She was certainly good to go for the continued saga of her life. What a wonderful, temporary tribe she’d been part of, and what memories she’d have of their gathering for months to come!

 

A Positive Activity for You

 

Try making a list of all the groups you currently belong to.  Now divide the list into columns, one column for groups you are happy to be affiliated with, a column for the groups you wish you weren't affiliated with, and a third column for groups that you feel neutral about.

 

Over the next month or so, take time to brainstorm with yourself in terms of two avenues of adventuring. One is how you might bring more pleasure and happiness into your life by expanding your connection to one of the groups in the first column. At the same time, start to brainstorm a new group, or to look for a replacement for one of the groups in your second column.

 

For example if you've really had it with a particular women's group you're connected to, perhaps you want to replace that group with something entirely different. It could be a course at the local community college, tennis lessons that you let go for twenty years, a book club or a connection with an old friend. I hope you enjoy this dual process of making your experience even richer with the groups you want to stay connected with, and cleaning house with at least one group that you're ready to get rid of.